


Usopp-kun, I want you to hit me as hard as you can

by orphan_account



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, M/M, Other, Self-cest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-16
Updated: 2010-05-16
Packaged: 2019-06-14 10:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15386784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: From the One Piece Fanforall. Prompt: Sogeking/Usopp fight club split personality.





	Usopp-kun, I want you to hit me as hard as you can

 

The day he met Sogeking was the day his life changed.

“Usopp-kun?”

“Who – who are you?! How do you know my name?!” In the sea bearing towards Sniper Island, Usopp had sailed in search of aid. On the way, he had been intercepted.

“Your heart spoke to me, Usopp-kun. I heard your soul's cries for help! Never fear! For The Great Sogeking shall always be by your side!”

And that was how it began.

Sogeking was the man who really got things done. He was the one who would take the slingshot from Usopp's quivering hands and fire with a sure arm. When Usopp cowered in fear and shame, Sogeking would stand before his opponent without a shred of cowardice. Sogeking was everything Usopp doubted in his heart of hearts that he could ever be: a true hero of the sea.

So when you have that kind of hero pledging to be by your side always, it's no wonder at all if you end up falling for him a bit.

But Sogeking would only reject Usopp's advances. “Usopp-kun,” he would say, “Someday you shall understand. I'll always be with you... but some things are just impossible.”

“WHY?!” Usopp cried, tears springing out of the corners of his eyes. “I'm just not good enough for you, is that it?! The great hero of Sniper Island is too good for me, is that it?!”

“Usopp-kun!” Sogeking cried, pain in his voice. “It is not so! Only...my heart is given to another!” He cluched his chest in both hands as if wracked with agony.

“No...” Usopp whispered. “This can't be! Why did you do this do me?! WHY?! You pledged to stay with me forever, you treat me so well, and then – and then – WHO IS IT WHO HAS STOLEN YOUR HEART?!” And then it began to dawn on Usopp – all of those sidelong glances at the captain when Sogeking thought Usopp wasn't looking. “No. It's – it's Luffy, isn't it?!”

Sogeking turned away, and even under his mask Usopp could see there were tears in his eyes. “....I cannot tell a lie. ....Oh, Luffy-kun!” Sogeking sighed in rapture. “How bright his eyes! How bendy his limbs! A picturesque image of captainly manliness! No other man on the sea (aside from myself of course) could hope to match.... Luffy-kun!!!”

At that time, Usopp had run away in tears, but that was all part of his plan! He'd go into hiding, and then strike when Sogeking least expected it! He'd show Sogeking who was boss! He'd never let Sogeking take away Luffy.... or wait, no, let Luffy take away Sogeking, no matter what!!!

It happened on the Thousand Sunny one ~~sunny day~~ stormy night, when Sogeking had cornered Luffy in his cabin.

“Luffy-kun...” Sogeking whispered in that deep, husky voice of his.

“Sogeking.” Luffy picked his nose with a pinky finger.

“I cannot keep my feelings restrained any longer!” Sogeking declared. “Luffy-kun.... I shall take you for my bride!!”

“Eh?”

Sogeking didn't wait for Luffy's response, he merely swept Luffy up in his arms, cluching Luffy's head to his breast. “Marry me, Luffy, and I shall make you the queen of Sniper Island!”

“...uh, I'm a guy?” Luffy, in his bafflement, didn't even bother to struggle.

“Yes, and the most dashing man of the seas indeed! All the more befitting to be my bride!” Sogeking laughed in triumph.

Sogeking, distracted by his victory and engagement, was easy prey when Usopp came crashing through the door to fire a shower of rotten eggs in Luffy's face.

“Not so fast, Luffy!” Usopp cried. “I won't let you have Sogeking!”

Luffy pushed away from Sogeking and rubbed at the eggs on his face, coughing, trying to clear his vision. “Usopp? What was that for!”

“I'm not gonna let you take Sogeking away from me!” Usopp stood fast, trusty slingshot at his side.

Luffy glanced from side to side. “Eh? Sogeking ran away.”

“What are you talking about, Luffy-kun?” Sogeking replied. “I'm right here!”

Luffy's eyes bulged out of his head. “Now Usopp's gone!”

“I'm standing right here, Luffy,” Usopp insisted.

“Ahh! Now Sogeking's disappeared!” Luffy pointed frantically at the place where Sogeking had been standing, which now contained Usopp.

Finally Sogeking returned, and sighed.

“Usopp-kun...” Sogeking began. “I can forgive Luffy for never getting it, but you're just too damn stupid!” And with that, Sogeking punched Usopp full in the face.

And of course, by 'Sogeking punched Usopp full in the face' we mean 'Usopp punched himself full in the face' and then fell to the floor.

“Usopp-kun, can't you see! I'm a figment of your imagination!” Sogeking declared, arms spread wide as he lay on his back on the floor. “You made me up so you could do things you never believed you could do on your own! But now the power is within you, Usopp-kun! Go! Aim for the stars! Become a brave warrior of the seas! Seduce that virile young Luffy-kun! Do it... for me.”

And with that, Sogeking breathed his last, his mask split in two where Usopp had punched himself.

“No...” Usopp's eyes began to fill with tears. “No! SOGEKIIIIIIING!!”

Luffy, not exactly clear what was going on but not wanting to miss out, joined in, also bursting into tears. “SOGEKIIIIIIING!”

Usopp sniffed, hiccuping with tears, and sat up, while Luffy crouched in front of him. “He was a fine man,” Usopp said.

“Yup. Really cool guy.”

“Luffy?”

“What?”

“Let's get married!”

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for this stupid, stupid fic.
> 
> Original post: https://op-fanforall2.livejournal.com/1363.html?thread=833363#t833363


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